theemancipatedme

Hi All! 

Surprisingly, I have a lot of readership to my blog from all over the world. I cannot tell you how that truly inspires me that I am able to reach parts of this world with people that have no common bond with me other than the love of a few good words put together. I read every comment. I want to thank EVERYONE for their support and encouragement. It gets me through the days when I think my words don’t matter.

Anyhow, the real reason for this short blog post is to communicate that I have started a book club for the blog. Anybody who is interested can feel free to post an email address in the comments section and I’ll send you details with the information. No pressure. Just thought we’d expand on our love of words together

Until Next Time,

Mel

Finally a breathe!

As I write this, I’m in Orlando poolside, chillin real hard with my feet kicked up. If you follow me on IG you probably already know and are already annoyed with my post and pictures. But its cool. DEAL!

I planned for this moment. I planned for this piece that I’m writing. I could’ve written it before now but I wanted to wait. I know it’s nothing like being caught in the essence of a moment and believe me, the feeling is so epic right now. I planned this trip the first week in February. At that time I didn’t think much of it. It was a family trip. I prayed for the strength to be able to handle two kids alone. (Still praying!) Then I thought of Disney world. Disney world. As majestical as it is made to seem, it actually has a super  special meaning to me. It has nothing to do with Mickey or any Disney characters. It has everything to do with a big part of my struggle.

The year was 2008. This is the year I became a woman.

I’ve always put the kids first. God in his special, always on time way has always looked out for me in the most unheard of manner.

For instance, when I was pregnant with each child , I said I didn’t want to work for the first year of each child’s life. It was a little silent prayer I said to him but I found myself in the situation where I didn’t have to with each child. Don’t ask me how.  I  don’t even know how it worked. But I paid my car note and I paid my rent. I say all of this so you will catch my drift. I wasn’t used to relying on anyone but myself and my God.

Well, I have to go now. Me and the babies are off to Magic Kingdom. The Disney portion of the trip is still a secret and I am super anxious to see happy faces this morning!

My father has Cancer. He’s in hospice. He is dying. And I feel nothing.

Before you go on with your critiquing about the impact of the statement I just made, realize that this man is a stranger to me. By the age of three, he was no longer a permanent fixture in my life. The last memory I have of him in younger years is when I cornered him in the kitchen at an Easter family function at the ripe old age of 8 and asked him point blank , ” Why don’t you take care of me?” Know that even at that time he was a creep, as he did not answer me. I vividly remember him  stuttering over his words and then me walking away.

At 20 I had my first child. He came to see she and I over my mother’s house and promised to be around more. When she turned one, he visited again with gifts at Christmas. Seems “Daddy ” was having a mid-life crisis and wanted to turn over a new leaf. But all of that changed when I turned 21. A series of things went wrong for me in 2003. I was raped in my home in my living room while my daughter slept in the next room. I ran to “Dad” because surely daddies love their daughters and protect them. I just knew that he would find that dude and murder him. After all, my “dad” is a G. When three guys came for his head, he was able to fend them off and ended up defeating them. But as I took a walk with “Daddy” in L’Efant Plaza, and told him what happened, I got NO reaction. Not even a simple,  ”Are you okay? ” He just listened and nodded. His reaction was part of the reason I never reported to the police either. If my own “Dad” was giving me the side eye, what would the police do? Give me more grief? I’d endured enough at that time.

The cake was taken though in the summer of 2003. My apartment had been burglarized and I moved out the very next day. I went to my mom’s house but we don’t get along much. She put us out. I called “Dad”. The guy that I had never taken up residence with in my entire life. The one that missed all of my younger years and never did anything as far as playing his parental role in my life. Surely he wouldn’t let his grand daughter and daughter live in their car! His answer? ” Why can’t you get another apartment? I still pay child support. Ask your mom for that money.”

Speechless.

That was the last conversation ever. I wasn’t asking for money. I was asking for shelter. Moreover, that money that you’re paying is called back pay. It works like reparations. That’s her money that she is rightfully entitled to as I am grown at this time. But I digress. He doesn’t know how expensive it is to raise a kid because he’s never paid for one. That conversation is when I knew for certain that it was always about the bitterness he had inside toward my mom. He didn’t care for me. He didn’t want me and he damn sure didn’t love me. It was cool though. When I was putting forth the effort to get to know him, it was only because I believe everyone deserves a fair and second chance. My feelings weren’t hurt. It was just a way of closure for me. Fast forward to 2008 and he sends me a message on Facebook stating that he noticed I had a son and that he’s handsome. That was it. I laughed, chuckled  even a little bit but I did not cry. It was comical to me how two people so connected by DNA were such strangers in the real.

I’m not his only child. I have two half sisters. ( God is so funny for giving him all girls. ) We’ve all reacted differently to his disregard for us. One sister still talks to him. She is the oldest but I remember hearing stories of her running to the house crying and sitting on the porch saying that she wanted her Dad and all he’d do is escort her home. My middle sister is emotional sometimes toward his non responsiveness but she has a great life. Moved to Cali, has two kids and a solid marriage. But her emotions get to me. I hate to see her sad over something I’m so unmoved by. I’ve never felt like a victim. I’ve never used his absence from my life as an excuse. I really never gave it a second thought. I’m not abused by men. I’m not looking for love or affection in all the wrong places. I live my life but I am uncaring about the situation. If anything my rough exterior comes from my single mom upbringing. It’s never been about a daddy not being there.

What I’ve struggled with recently is to identify if that IS the damage he caused me. Is my uncaring, under thunk thoughts of him normal? I can truly say I do not care and that’s how I am with a lot of things except things I really love, stand for or am passionate about.  I’ve got my mom who is full of emotion over his diagnosis. Clearly he shitted all over her but she still cares. I can’t though. Not in the manner that they expect me to care. I care about him as a human, not as my Dad. Do you get it?

It’s so hard to decipher if this actually bitterness masked that I feel.

I don’t believe so. I forgive him but I also have good sense to stay away from people who never meant me any good. My mom is telling me I should try to make peace with him now but like I am with any situation, I have to keep it authentic. In all this time you didn’t care for me. I’m your child. You and my mother  were supposed to have raised me. You did wrong by me. Why should I extend a hand to you again based upon your diagnosis? Yes, he had hand in conceiving me but he was never my father. Why do people feel that I should conform to appease the general connotation about honoring my mother and father to a person that abandoned me? It’s not gonna happen. Does he feel anything about the fact that his youngest girl doesn’t want to visit him? Maybe so. But these,Dad , are the ramifications of a dead beat dad. It’s no “do overs”. There is no recanting. I pray that God sheds mercy on him on judgment day because I am alright. Don’t punish him on the account of me because I am okay.

If you are a father and you take anything away from this blog I want you to know and remember that there are no “do overs”. Time is a precious gift that cannot be restored. If you feel any bitterness in your heart towards the mother of your child, do not take it out on the child. Let your presence be known and felt. Do all that you can to protect your kids and offer guidance. You don’t want to end up on your death bed with your child feeling this way about you, do you? You don’t want to know that your absence , your chasing after a new woman or you putting partying as a priority over your child is the reason that when its their turn to care for you they wont know how to? You are not privileged just because you laid down and made a baby. You are honored when you sacrifice yourself to give that child the guidance God called you to.

“Here’s to the days and nights spent in the bed crying.”

“Here’s to the next day that you went to work looking like shit.”

“A round of applause for all the blows dealt to your  self worth and ego.”

“Have it up for all the love that you gave that wasn’t reciprocated.”

“Lets have a toast to the asshole that you love to love.”

You see that? That right there was the last pity party that you’re ver gonna throw over a man!

The statements above are classic examples of women being slaves to their emotions. But what’s the purpose?  NONE. There’s no worse crime that you can commit than to let somebody thats not thinking about YOU  murder your persona and spirit. When you start to not look like yourself, when you become accepting of foolishness, when you start feeling like life will never be the same without them you need to A) Stop B) Pause and C) Quit.

Most times you get so caught up in being fragile and intuitive to your feelings that you rarely stop to make a critical and well thought out assessment. You need to quiz yourself. Is the person you’re crying over sitting in the house crying over you? NO!!!!!! Because then the feeling of wanting one another would be mutual and neither one of you would be crying. Is the one you’re stressing over involved with another chic while you’re waiting patiently and faithfully for him to realize that you’re the best choice for him? If yes , smack yourself!  You only ride for a rider!!!! Are you the last priority after he has finished having all of his fun and feels like he should come over and lay up with you? Take another damn smack  you dumb, dummy!  If you ever needed help, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear could you call on him or does he never have it? Are you respected for your mental or only lusted over for your body and sex? Listen honey boo boo, a wet one ain’t never kept nothing that didn’t wanna be kept. Its a hundred other chics with the same thing you got. If ya’ll all act like doormats then what does he have to earn?  Do you go on dates? Does he claim you? You said no? Oh.

STOP ! STOP ! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now listen up , you’ve only got one life to live and I’ve never known anybody who planned on living unhappy. The only person who’s holding you back is you. The only person that’s mistreating themselves is YOU! Nobody else is sitting around , crying and stressing , missing bald spots out their head and losing a pound per day. Only person that’s doing that is YOU with your self induced pity party that you throw in your mind on the daily. Its shows in your tweets! LOL

Stop allowing yourself to become a prisoner to your own thoughts and emotions. If you think about it, it’s those very weak emotions that has you being treated the way you are in the first place. Men are predators. They seek out the vulnerable. GET YOUR MIND  ”TO” and “GETHER” ! This especially goes out to anyone that’s involved in taking care of another human. All the moping and crying does no one any good. Your dependents shouldn’t have to suffer because you made a bad choice in dealings and they damn sure don’t need to be understanding to Mommy’s feelings. Children are not put here to make you comfortable. A stressed out mommy is a horrible mommy!

That IDGAF attitude, you’ve got it in you. Your friend of twenty years makes a mistake and you cut her off. This guy you’ve know for less than a year is dogging you out and you running after him. Reverse the roles cause you’re looking like a fool. You only show mercy and forgiveness to those that have proven themselves loyal to you.

We often times have a lot to say about men but the one thing they do best is to be over the bullshit like ASAP! Take note ladies. Don’t let a man fuck over your mental to the point that you can’t function. You can heal and you can be great all on your own! You don’t need a handout. You don’t need to settle for less because you feel like time is getting away from you. You don’t have to compete for what belongs to you. It’s already divinely ordained.  Pace yourself and learn how to navigate effortlessly against all of life’s losses. Style and grace ladies…… Style and grace.

R.I.P TO THE DAYS OF LOOKING LIKE SHIT! FROM THIS DAY FORWARD YOU ARE THE SHIT! And don’t ever think anything less!  You know the same confidence and “swag” you were attracted to about him? Yeah. It works both ways baby girl!

Oh, and by the way let it be known this is also a self pep talk. I am not above the influence!! LOL These growing pains are horrible!

Two fingas!

Nobody wants to lose.

I don’t know a single soul who gets into situations with intentions on it not going well. There is always a small hint, a little glimmer, a beacon of hope that things will go our way. Or, at least we make it seem that way.

Our society has been shaped by the men of our time. As the generations progress, and we get away from our core values, our Men become weaker. So much so that we are giving out accolades for behavior that should be automatic. Thats another story though.

Woman were put here to be help mates. I’m all for you standing by your man. But darling, when your man is a fool, or merely a child himself, how can you let him lead you?  The things that we stand for and tolerate are pure foolishness. Behaviors that are  tolerated today had no place in our society even fifteen years ago. We went from being the other halves to being complete bread winners and taking care of men. We went from picking to settling for being chosen. We went from a culture where indiscretions used to be swept under the rug to a place where the raunchier we are , the better it seems.  We went from if you cheat on me Im gone to making ourselves feel better because the other chic is what’s considered a sideline hoe. Guess what? You may be the main but you’re not first priority. The man is thinking of himself first and he’s the head of that pyramid. You and said sideline hoe  are merely afterthoughts.

In essence, it seems that man has attempted to make us all into new age sluts. Somebody took a few statistics and a few bad experiences and decided we were all short on men so we had better do what’s needed to get and keep one. Men don’t chase anymore because they don’t have to. There was a time where the chic that provided a challenge was a prize. But even now she’s getting kicked to the side because whatever you wont do , its a hundred bitches that will. The worst part of it all that is instead of seeing the damage and demise, these men today are flipping it on you and calling you whores after you’re used all up. The things he once encouraged you to do, he now shuns thinking you’re doing it for the next man. What was good enough when he wanted you is now bottom of the barrel shit. Now is that ever worth it? You’ve done all this freaky shit, pretended to like girls, basically licked his dirty draws and now because he’s taken you as low as you can go, he leaves because he doesn’t have the time to deal with fixing you and “your” shit.

So who’s to blame? Do we blame women for not sticking up for themselves and letting the foolishness penetrate their souls so much so that they compromise on morals? Do we blame the men that were put here to be leaders, look after and guide us as woman for allowing themselves to fall victim to temptation? Do we blame the media for shoving all of this buffoonery in our faces? Things we all want to know but never will. What I do know is this. Somebody in the situation has to take a stance.  Either women are going to stop bending to keep situations that have no business being kept or men are gonna fully take their role in society and lead more towards greatness and less toward temptation and sin.

Woman, use that nurturing ability to have your way. I remember someone older telling me you can get a man to do whatever you need them to do as long as your words dictate kindness. Not weakness, kindness. Instead of demanding and catching an attitude, you can gently urge while offering words of encouragement. Often times situations get worse because of emotional instability, sense of entitlement and expectations or just plain old stubbornness. Never be so desperate to allow yourself to be used, abused and depleted. Even the strongest of us are dealing with” things” because its the norm now. But YOU be different. You wait your turn and stop stretching yourself thin for relationships that need to end. You claim you know your worth. Prove it.

A man can be the lead but you have to do your part in helping him be great. Compliance with his bullshit is not gonna get the job done.

So you think you’ve figured out the greatest secret known to mankind.

You’ve got your little self on YouTube and looked up a whole bunch of videos on Illuminati hand gestures, who’s in it, what they had to do to be in it and you did this all based off of the comment section on your favorite rappers video.

RIGHT!!!!!!

So now you’re driving yourself crazy. You’re looking for hand gestures and signs instead of enjoying life and carrying out a purpose. You’re trying to spread the word and you look down your nose on any one that does not care to hear it because you’re the enlightened one and they are not. You go home everyday watching these home-made videos about blood sacrifices and now you’re playing connect the dots with all celebrities lives.

Why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself. The illuminati, if it exists, has won.

If the Iliimuniati is so evil and you spend most of your waking hours examining it or looking for it then you certainly aren’t spending that time serving God. They’ve won.

If you were smarter you would take whatever info it is that you are said to have, examine it and apply it as it parallels to the Bible. If this Illuminati thing is real, and has been around since forever, what can you do to stop that? Is if even supposed to be stopped? There are certain occurrences that must happen during the time of Revelation. Does your enlightened information match up to that? How are you using this info to benefit you?

The bottom line is this. You’re still here to live and you’re still here for a purpose. I say take all of your enlightened energy and use it for the greater good. Take these occurrences and make them positive. Start to make sure that YOU live your life the right way and rise about the influences that have been placed upon you. You’re mind is much stronger than the music you listen to, right? Prove it.

You gon drive yourself crazy trying to figure out who’s evil. LOL

and I’m not talking in the context its used as it pertains to slang. I’m talking full on Webster dictionary definitions!

creep/krēp/

I’m not a Father. I don’t claim to be.

Know that I understand your sentiments and what you are trying to convey when you tell me Happy Fathers Day, but it isn’t needed. I know where my efforts are appreciated. My kids aren’t waking up this morning telling me Happy Fathers Day. We know what it is in this house.

I’m a mother that does HER job twice as hard because there is no father visible. This doesn’t qualify for me to don that title.  If anyone would ever have the right to complain, it’s me. Two bright kids and I can still account for in my head every dime ever given to either of them. A father that flat out refuses to pay child support and still lives in a fantasy world where he can do whatever he likes. I’m not mad though. I celebrate him.

Without him, I wouldn’t have the kids that I have. They wouldn’t have the same DNA that allows them to be the true great little people that they are. They wouldn’t look the same. They wouldn’t act the same. I just cant see it any other way. I have the PERFECT children and I owe half of that to him. When I look at them I don’t see bitterness for a man that left his burden on me. I see the goodness of God and am thankful for the honor that’s been bestowed upon me. If you ever met Madison and Noah, you would understand my excitement and adoration .

After all, I had some fault in my own mess. I think thats what many of you need to realize to. I knew that he didn’t have a dad around when I laid down with him. I knew there was a possibility that because of this he might NOT work out as a dad himself. Plus we were super young. If I could ever say anything about the consequence of having a child young, I would say that the greatest danger is not knowing WHO the person you have kids will grow to be. Potential is a far cry away from reality. If I was as sharp as I am now , then, I probably would not have made the same choices but at the end of it all I don’t regret the ones I made.  I know you guys don’t think I acquired this wisdom by accident! Mistakes are the greatest teachers. LOL

Every time this day comes around it lets me know exactly what some of you need. Some of us really need to mature immediately. This is a national holiday. National means more than just you in your little corner of the world sulking. “Why you mad” because you put your happiness in the hands of another person? Don’t put a damper on this day because you don’t have anyone around that you see as a good example. All men aren’t trash. I see a lot of women have become so consumed with hurt that they are pessimistic toward anything that has to do with a man. Or they’ve  become so full of themselves that they will take credit for a job they can never fulfill. Tell me, what do you know about being a father? Do you have it in your mind somewhere that all a father does is provide financial support and pick the kid up on the weekends so you can go to the club? Mama got a life too right? Most of you that are pulling this deadbeat card don’t even know what you should really be protesting against.  Just because he watches them on the weekends doesn’t mean the children are being engaged. Moreover, if you didn’t need a man, if they didn’t bring different aspects to life then they wouldn’t exist and you could make all the babies you want, alone ! Nobody is ever going to do what you want them to do. But you let a bad choice consume you and we see it every time it counts. Social media is the mirror to your bitterness.

If you don’t have anything nice to say about fathers day, just don’t participate. Its a lot of things that don’t apply to you that you let go over your head. Make this holiday one of them. But most importantly, work on getting back the power that you allowed someone to steal from you due to unwise decisions. This goes for baby mamas and their offspring. Only person you are punishing is yourself. See the good in everything and great things are sure to come.

In closing, I want to say Happy Fathers day to all dads. Without you we wouldn’t have the seeds that are needed to change the world. And if you aren’t doing for your kids, its never too late to put in a valid effort. You’ll be rejected nine times out of ten. But then that tenth time could be the break through you need. I’ve seen it happen.

We need to concentrate on healing, instead of perpetuating this negativity. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is considered insane and we all know how black women feel about being called crazy! LOL

Two fingas!

I used to wonder why females preferred to hang around only people that were like them. I was a person that used to be  open to becoming anyones friend. I have a very weak heart when it comes to people I feel who are treated unfairly. But a lesson I learned in my early twenties is that there is a vast difference between being friends and being friendly. That lesson came about when I decided I would do somebody’s hair for FREE out of the goodness of my heart and she got the bright idea to break in my house and steal every article of clothing, shoes, purses, jewelry and jacket I owned. I haven’t seen her since.

But even being friends comes with hazards as we all know. As I get older, it becomes easier to spot the transgressions in others and decide if its worth it to deal with them at all. You want to know how somebody really feels about you? Listen to how they introduce you! No lie!

There’s nothing more awkward than that moment that your “friend” introduces you and says something like ” …. and this is my bourgeois friend but I still love her” or “….this is my pretty friend that gets all the guys.”

BITCH! Was that a backhanded slight? LOL

See, you have to be careful with words. Especially words that are broadly used and often mean different things to different people. Just like folks tend to shy away from discussing controversial topics such as religion and politics, I believe bourgeois should be a word that is off limits. It’s used too loosely these days and is often perceived as negative more often then not.

What did that friend just do to you that introduced you in that manner? She certainly made it an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. She has created a preconceived notion for the person she introduced you to and made YOU have to work twice as hard if you wanna live down that notion. To me bourgeois is when a person reaches a certain status in life and then begins to think that they are too good for certain things. It is the point where people start looking down their nose at people for what they choose to do. I, for one, do none of that. What I do have and am entitled to are preferences. If I choose to only spend my money on certain brands and refuse to shop in certain places thats my right. If I choose to not indulge in cheap cosmetics, thats my right. If I feel like I only wanna use premium gas in my car, thats my right. If I don’t wanna eat certain places, thats my right. If I refuse to downgrade my quality of life, thats my right. You should never have a problem or base your judgment of anyone off of these things. I’m certainly not going to have anything to say to you if your corn husking ass wants to eat at Golden Corral ( I just had to say that. Funniest thing ever. S/O to Vic! LOL). I’m not going to say anything about you shopping wherever it is that you go. It’s nothing wrong with those things. Those stores exist for a reason. Its just not what I prefer.

People focus on the wrong things. Look at the persons character and their heart and stop trying to analyze them off of their likes and dislikes. You often miss out on good things with good people because of your own insecurities. And like I always say, if you’re intimidated by anyone thats in your circle, its best to distance yourself from that person. Don’t be the toxic in their life because you have a problem with their preferences but have no real reason to dislike them. They aren’t bourgeois. You’re just crazy.

Fix yourself!